I had promised that I wouldn't bore you with wedding planning crap, but I have to get this out there: Lately I am kind of dreading my own wedding.
There, I said it. The ugly truth is out there.
Being kind of an event/travel planning control freak has not aided me in this process. I want a hand in everything, but from far away this is proving difficult. And annoying. And painstaking. And expensive. And so overwhelming to the point where I just want to bury my head in the sand.
But what's really doing me is are my anxieties and my expect-the-worst-scenario-nature that are really getting the best of me.
A summary of my worries:
I am worried that no one will dance.
I am worried I am picking the wrong vendors (DJ, photographer, flowers, etc.)
I am worried that everything will fall apart and everyone will point fingers at me and call me a bad person/wedding planner.
I am worried that my family and Damir's family won't find the middle ground to come together and have a good time.
I am worried that I will trip and fall while walking down the grassy aisle.
I am worried that I am making people travel a long distance for something they don't really want to go to.
I am worried that it will suck.
I am worried no one will like to food (and not having a chance to do a pre-tasting doesn't help that worry)
I am worried I won't look my best (humidity + Terra's Hair = NOOOO!)
I am worried we won't get the wording of the ceremony right, or people will think it's cheesy.
I am worried Damir will regret that I talked him into this type of wedding.
I am worried that we will be so busy feeling the need to host all our guests and meeting their needs that we will not be able to focus on the importance of what we are doing for each other, you know, getting married.
I am worried that I will be worried.
And finally, I am worried that my friends are pissed that we are keeping the guest list to just the family. It was a really hard compromise/concession we had to make, but ultimately unavoidable for us. I hope they know that I love them deeply and this shouldn't be a reflection of the value of our friendship. Hopefully they're delighted it's one less wedding to have to go to.
Should I just cancel the whole thing and call it a day? I don't think that's the answer, because I do believe in my heart that I can make this work. I am just in the weeds right now and at some point the puzzle pieces will join and the day will be beautiful and exactly what I wanted, or at least mostly so.